You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
