U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
