We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize