And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize