So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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