I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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