No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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