I wanna bring you to show and tell
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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