i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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