That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
