Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
