those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
