if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
