Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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