dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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