Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
