so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
