Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize