I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
