I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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