he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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