good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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