You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize