My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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