At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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