you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
