Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
