This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
