it was like fucking gandolphs beard
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
