Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
