Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
