I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
