Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize