Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
