I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She's the barista slut.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
