Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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