I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
