I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My dick has a subreddit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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