even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
