obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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