I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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