I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
