I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
