and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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