im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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