I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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