i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
