so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
