my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
