Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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