Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize