I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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