woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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