I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Welp...herpes.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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