We need to rekindle our bromance
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize