I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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