I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
