Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
